So I have been struggling lately with a few things. Perhaps the biggest thing of all is fear of making bad situations worse. I don’t have a white knight complex, but my weird overblown fear of failure does translate to my personal relationships. I just don’t want to make someone I care about feel worse, intentionally or not. And I’ve been placed in unfamiliar situations where that is my biggest fear right now. Not only can I not do anything to help the people I care about feel better or happier (which is horrible for me), but I am so afraid of making it worse because I don’t know how to act or what to say. And I am not good at dealing with that feeling. I don’t like that unfamiliar territory.
Also, I am a big advocator of not worrying about shite that hasn’t happened yet because what we fear we create. Yet, I can’t help but worry about all of this stuff that hasn’t happened yet in my current relationship, because let’s face it, things are great and I’m waiting for it all to blow up in my face. And the disconcerting thing is, everyone else seems to be waiting for that too. I am not and have never been the type of person to base my decisions or thinking off of other people, but it just makes me feel crappy to hear negative things all the time. And it’s frustrating regardless of whether it comes from a loving or concerned place or whether it comes from not fully knowing the situation or from just the other person’s own prejudices or jealousies. If everything blows up in my face and this relationship ends horribly, that’s fine. I will still have really enjoyed it while it lasted and I will never regret it. But I don’t want it to blow up in my face because I unnecessarily worried about it and created problems from my own neuroses and insecurities. I’ve seen so many other people do that, and heck, I’ve even done it before. I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
It doesn’t help that I see constant examples of other people being neurotic and freaking out. I just got added to a secret group on Facebook called the “Ladies Venting Page”. And it is just what it sounds like, a bunch of crazy, insecure ladies from my hometown and surrounding areas flipping out about their boyfriends and significant others and baby daddy drama. I am always sympathetic, but I am not into people making victims of themselves or comforting people who have created their own problems themselves because they don’t want to be reasonable human beings. Needless to say, I don’t know how long I will be a member of this group.
My thoughts are very unorganized right now. I have been depressed for the past few days because I haven’t been able to talk to my boyfriend and because I have been so worried. I just have no energy and have been sleeping too much and guilt-tripping myself for lack of productiveness. I am home alone this weekend with no real plans to leave or see anyone (my roommate and best friend are both out of town). But hopefully I will get to see my boyfriend tomorrow. I’m also hoping to get some writing done today. It may not be much, but it will make me feel better. I already feel better for having written this blog. Small goals and small victories. And things will be fine and things will get better and even if things get worse, I will be able to deal with them. And one day, this blog will be more than my random venting. One day…
