ladies venting page

So I have been struggling lately with a few things. Perhaps the biggest thing of all is fear of making bad situations worse. I don’t have a white knight complex, but my weird overblown fear of failure does translate to my personal relationships. I just don’t want to make someone I care about feel worse, intentionally or not. And I’ve been placed in unfamiliar situations where that is my biggest fear right now. Not only can I not do anything to help the people I care about feel better or happier (which is horrible for me), but I am so afraid of making it worse because I don’t know how to act or what to say. And I am not good at dealing with that feeling. I don’t like that unfamiliar territory.

Also, I am a big advocator of not worrying about shite that hasn’t happened yet because what we fear we create. Yet, I can’t help but worry about all of this stuff that hasn’t happened yet in my current relationship, because let’s face it, things are great and I’m waiting for it all to blow up in my face. And the disconcerting thing is, everyone else seems to be waiting for that too. I am not and have never been the type of person to base my decisions or thinking off of other people, but it just makes me feel crappy to hear negative things all the time. And it’s frustrating regardless of whether it comes from a loving or concerned place or whether it comes from not fully knowing the situation or from just the other person’s own prejudices or jealousies. If everything blows up in my face and this relationship ends horribly, that’s fine. I will still have really enjoyed it while it lasted and I will never regret it. But I don’t want it to blow up in my face because I unnecessarily worried about it and created problems from my own neuroses and insecurities. I’ve seen so many other people do that, and heck, I’ve even done it before. I don’t want to repeat that mistake.

It doesn’t help that I see constant examples of other people being neurotic and freaking out. I just got added to a secret group on Facebook called the “Ladies Venting Page”. And it is just what it sounds like, a bunch of crazy, insecure ladies from my hometown and surrounding areas flipping out about their boyfriends and significant others and baby daddy drama. I am always sympathetic, but I am not into people making victims of themselves or comforting people who have created their own problems themselves because they don’t want to be reasonable human beings. Needless to say, I don’t know how long I will be a member of this group.

My thoughts are very unorganized right now. I have been depressed for the past few days because I haven’t been able to talk to my boyfriend and because I have been so worried. I just have no energy and have been sleeping too much and guilt-tripping myself for lack of productiveness. I am home alone this weekend with no real plans to leave or see anyone (my roommate and best friend are both out of town). But hopefully I will get to see my boyfriend tomorrow. I’m also hoping to get some writing done today. It may not be much, but it will make me feel better. I already feel better for having written this blog. Small goals and small victories. And things will be fine and things will get better and even if things get worse, I will be able to deal with them. And one day, this blog will be more than my random venting. One day…

Not to sound ranty, but... (unorganized rant, you have been warned)

If you ever find yourself starting off by saying: “Not to be XXXX, but…” just stop. Because yes, you are about to be XXXX, whether that’s rude, or mean, or racist, you are totes about to be it and you are not fooling anyone by saying that phrase as a disclaimer. I’m sorry, but just because you are backwardly announcing that you are about to be a jerk, it doesn’t give you free reign to be a jerk. In fact, if you know you are going to say something wrong- either mean, or rude, or whatever it may be- then why don’t you just take a second to look at yourself and why you even feel the need to say something that needs a b.s. qualifier like that to make it acceptable. You should just stop being a jerk.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase lately because of the rash of sh*t girls say videos. I haven’t watched all of them, but I have seen the one about what white girls say to black girls and that was a good way of demonstrating that phrase at work. “Not to be racist, but…” but I’m totally going to be racist and it’s okay because I just said it wasn’t racist. Life doesn’t work that way and you’re not fooling anyone. So already, the phrase was on my mind and I was annoyed with it. And then someone threw it in my face today. “Not to sound short, but” I’m going to be a dick because you did something slightly aggravating and I have an admittedly horrible temper, but I’m still going to say something to make you feel horrible for the rest of the day because I am slightly annoyed and I can. I’m sorry, but if you’re in an important place where cell phones are not allowed, turn the phone on vibrate. I’m so sorry that you just played your move in Words with Friends from your phone 4 minutes prior and I thought it wouldn’t be a DEADLY offense to send you a text message when the world has created wonderful switches on our phone to put them on vibrate with amazing ease, or to silence them by clicking the volume button down. You have a smart phone, you’ve had it for a while, I’m pretty sure you know what vibrate is.

And no, I didn’t HAVE to send you that text, but do I HAVE to do anything? Do I have to text you ever, or call you, or see you? No, I don’t and I’m beginning to think that’s what you’d prefer. Do I have to even exist? No, I don’t have to exist and thank you SO much for reminding me of that. I really needed you specifically to make me feel like dying for sending you an innocent text at a maybe not so great time. I’m so glad your overreaction justifies you making me want to die. I’m so glad you felt the need to say that to me. And I’m so glad you prefaced it with that phrase to make it okay.

And maybe my feeling now is an overreaction, but hate breeds hate. You know I’ve been having a not so great time. But you don’t think about that do you? As long as I’m bubbly, you’re happy. Your brother complained that his girlfriend was selfish. I’m sure you feel the same way about other people, that they are selfish. But do you know who usually says other people are selfish? Selfish people. Instead of feeling self-righteously angry that I made your phone go off in an inconvenient situation, look at yourself. You should’ve turned it off if it was that big of a deal. You only care about what inconveniences you, not how YOUR words and actions inconvenience or, heaven forbid, HURT others. That’s real selfishness and inconsideration. Sorry for existing in your life. If you would prefer, I can never “need” to text you again.

P.S. I'm so sorry to rant about this online, but I needed to get it out. And since this has like no followers, I didn't see much harm in getting it out. Life has been rough lately and I have been fighting valiantly to not let it get me down. I have swallowed my own feelings with other people to put them at ease and make their lives easier. I can't keep this up. I'm not a horrible person to have around, so please don't treat me like I am.