Not to sound ranty, but... (unorganized rant, you have been warned)

If you ever find yourself starting off by saying: “Not to be XXXX, but…” just stop. Because yes, you are about to be XXXX, whether that’s rude, or mean, or racist, you are totes about to be it and you are not fooling anyone by saying that phrase as a disclaimer. I’m sorry, but just because you are backwardly announcing that you are about to be a jerk, it doesn’t give you free reign to be a jerk. In fact, if you know you are going to say something wrong- either mean, or rude, or whatever it may be- then why don’t you just take a second to look at yourself and why you even feel the need to say something that needs a b.s. qualifier like that to make it acceptable. You should just stop being a jerk.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase lately because of the rash of sh*t girls say videos. I haven’t watched all of them, but I have seen the one about what white girls say to black girls and that was a good way of demonstrating that phrase at work. “Not to be racist, but…” but I’m totally going to be racist and it’s okay because I just said it wasn’t racist. Life doesn’t work that way and you’re not fooling anyone. So already, the phrase was on my mind and I was annoyed with it. And then someone threw it in my face today. “Not to sound short, but” I’m going to be a dick because you did something slightly aggravating and I have an admittedly horrible temper, but I’m still going to say something to make you feel horrible for the rest of the day because I am slightly annoyed and I can. I’m sorry, but if you’re in an important place where cell phones are not allowed, turn the phone on vibrate. I’m so sorry that you just played your move in Words with Friends from your phone 4 minutes prior and I thought it wouldn’t be a DEADLY offense to send you a text message when the world has created wonderful switches on our phone to put them on vibrate with amazing ease, or to silence them by clicking the volume button down. You have a smart phone, you’ve had it for a while, I’m pretty sure you know what vibrate is.

And no, I didn’t HAVE to send you that text, but do I HAVE to do anything? Do I have to text you ever, or call you, or see you? No, I don’t and I’m beginning to think that’s what you’d prefer. Do I have to even exist? No, I don’t have to exist and thank you SO much for reminding me of that. I really needed you specifically to make me feel like dying for sending you an innocent text at a maybe not so great time. I’m so glad your overreaction justifies you making me want to die. I’m so glad you felt the need to say that to me. And I’m so glad you prefaced it with that phrase to make it okay.

And maybe my feeling now is an overreaction, but hate breeds hate. You know I’ve been having a not so great time. But you don’t think about that do you? As long as I’m bubbly, you’re happy. Your brother complained that his girlfriend was selfish. I’m sure you feel the same way about other people, that they are selfish. But do you know who usually says other people are selfish? Selfish people. Instead of feeling self-righteously angry that I made your phone go off in an inconvenient situation, look at yourself. You should’ve turned it off if it was that big of a deal. You only care about what inconveniences you, not how YOUR words and actions inconvenience or, heaven forbid, HURT others. That’s real selfishness and inconsideration. Sorry for existing in your life. If you would prefer, I can never “need” to text you again.

P.S. I'm so sorry to rant about this online, but I needed to get it out. And since this has like no followers, I didn't see much harm in getting it out. Life has been rough lately and I have been fighting valiantly to not let it get me down. I have swallowed my own feelings with other people to put them at ease and make their lives easier. I can't keep this up. I'm not a horrible person to have around, so please don't treat me like I am.

frustrated

And frustration has hit me hard today. I have been doing fairly well at feeling good, but things happen and stress builds up. I am human after all. But instead of dwelling on how I feel right now, crying and listening to sappy or angry songs, and throwing things around my already messy apartment, I am just going to blog about it. Actually, I had written a blog the other day that I never got around to posting because it was just so saptastic. It was a bit too cheesy; the danger of being super optimistic I guess. This one feels more genuine already.

I am not perfect, nor do I live in a perfect world. Therefore, crap is going to happen and I’m going to feel not so thrilled about it. That is how I am in my current situation. Not that I am miserable or anything, I just feel like screaming. I have a lot of obligations that I have little time to fulfill and people aren’t making it any easier for me to do what I need to do when they refuse to return my phone calls. Also, I tried to pick up my mail today to pay an important bill only to discover that the giant post office a block from my apartment is not the one that delivers to me and the one that does was already closed at that point. I now have to wait until Monday to do a lot of things that needed to be done today, or actually last week.

This may not have been such a big deal if it wasn’t such a struggle to get out of bed to go to the wrong post office in the first place. I have been feeling extremely tired and exhausted lately and just generally unwell. It doesn’t matter how much I sleep, I still feel incapable of getting up and getting out of bed and of generally doing anything. I have become pretty useless and things have just felt difficult.

I feel even more frustrated for feeling this way at all. My life is not horrible, so half of my frustration is from feeling frustrated at all. Especially considering that I did have some sort of vacation not that long ago during Thanksgiving week. I just wish I could sleep for three days straight and reset myself. That would be nice. So with that, I am going to go lie back down in bed with a book and some music and get over myself.

Smiles spread faster than cooties

I was talking to a friend just the other day and said something to him that really stuck with me:

We do not live in a vacuum.

Other people affect our lives so much, whether we want them to or not. Their actions and words have great consequences, as do ours. It’s something that made me realize two things: one, I cannot change other people, but I can change how I react to them; two, I need to be more careful myself.

First, I cannot control others, but I have full and complete control over how much power I give other people over me. I cannot count how many times I have been happy and in a great mood only to have it instantly reduced to soul crushing depression by someone else. But that is not living a blessed life. That is not being grateful for what I have. That is giving other people undue control over myself and my emotions. Of course, I will get upset, sad, or pissed off because of other people, but I can’t let that get carried away. Especially when those people don’t matter to me. I am thinking of one person in particular, but this is a universal truth. I don’t have to let them make me so upset or mad. I can take a minute to stop and acknowledge my feelings- which I think is an important thing to do, since we need to validate all of our feelings- and then move on, not sit and stew in the depths of despair. “For to despair is to lose sight of God” (or something along those lines).

Second, I need to constantly keep in mind my influence on others. Moods, feelings, and energy are all contagious, especially when negatively charged. I have seen it work so many times, how my bad mood or attitude instantly sours another’s. And of course, the opposite is true as well. Laughs and smiles spread faster than cooties. So, what sort of impact do I want to have on those in my life? How do I want others to view me? Do I want to be the one people avoid because I am always complaining and bringing everyone down with me, or do I want to be the one people can’t wait to see because I’m a freaking ray of sparkling sunshine and rainbows all the time? I’d rather be annoying for being a happy person than just plain annoying.

So now, when something upsets me or gets me down, I’m going to feel that way for a few seconds and then move on. Because eff that noise, I have better things to do with my time. This is what I’m working on right now. Wish me luck and have a beautiful day! (If you live in the Lansing area, go out and enjoy the weather)

Hi! My name is:

So I have made several stunted forays into the world of blogging, but I never seem to be interested enough to keep updating. Life changes and moves on, and I move away from whatever blog I happen to have at the time. I always start new projects, but rarely do I seem to finish them. Maybe something about blogging seems odd to me, that someone would actually be interested in reading what I write on the interwubs. I am vain enough to start a blog, but too self-conscious to keep it up. But, lately I have been reading other people's blogs, and I have been told time and time again that it is important for a writer to do things like blog to keep them writing daily or at least weekly. And writing is something I have been trying to do lately, even if I wasn't so successful with NanoWrimo this month. At least I am writing something. It's good to be grateful for the small things.

I am not quite sure what my goals are for this blog yet. Perhaps it will just be me commenting on my daily life, or perhaps a bit of philosophizing, or maybe just me discussing my writing- although it gets tedious and redundant to keep complaining about writer's block. Whatever this turns into, I hope it will be at least a little entertaining for myself to read- and anyone else who finds this and takes the time to peruse.

Basically, I just wanted to welcome whoever is reading this to my new blog. Hopefully, this will last longer than my other blogs have. Hopefully, you will not regret coming to visit this page. If you are reading this, you probably know me, and I hope that this will be a good way for us to keep in touch and that it will spark new thoughts in you. I am a very hopeful person today. Hope is good.

And now random jump to the typical introductions (don't ask me for perfect transitions; this is a blog, not an essay):
My name is Jinkyong, or Julia, depending on whom you ask. I am a graduate from Michigan State University (go green) who received my B.A. in English with a concentration in Creative Writing. I love reading and writing and all things English. But I also love a multitude of other things. I am half-Korean (hence the two names) and still live in the Lansing area of Michigan. I am unsure of what the future brings, but doesn't that just make things more exciting? After all, plans rarely work out as we imagined, so isn't it better to just go along with the flow? I am currently working on an impromptu novel I started writing for NanoWrimo, but am nowhere near finishing, even as the month draws to a close. I am also working on being a better, happier, and more thankful person. Today is Thanksgiving, and I am very grateful for many things, but I want to be grateful every second of every day. I don't want a holiday to remind me that I have a lot in my life. I want to breathe that knowledge. I read my horoscope yesterday, and it really seemed to apply to me. It suggested that I not try to start over, but rather just jump into the middle of my new life and skip the tedious, hard, and often violent beginning. I think that's a great way to look at things. I'm done saying that from now on, I'll be better, I'll do better. Rather, I've already started my new life. I'm already in the middle of being who I want to be. There's much less pressure that way, when you're already doing it as opposed to having to start doing things right. And there's no allowance for my tendency to always procrastinate. My birthday is next Tuesday, and I'm not so thrilled about being older. But 26 won't be so bad. I'm looking forward to discovering what my 26 year-old-self will be like. Nothing like a birthday to reinvent yourself.

So here's to wishing everyone a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving and a happy weekend. Try to stay out of the holiday shopping madness. The season is about love, not presents after all. And sometimes sleep is more important than Black Friday sales. Good day!